Story on my soul walk out and walk in experience-IN THE RAW ~
Hope some of this helps you find some clarity through your own awakening ~
Will be sharing more on my channel and blog posts ~
Summer of 2015, I decided to take summer classes since I was flunking out of
university my first year in...I received a letter inciting expulsion if I could not
get my GPA up...and so I stayed on campus in a friend's apartment by myself
to take some courses to boost my GPA. The day I moved in and cleaned, I was
tired of course, so decided to take a nap. I started falling asleep but still mildly
aware that I was not completely asleep. And within that nap, I experienced the
most super natural experience I had...my soul-walk out. My "soul" or astral
body (energy body)--stepped OUT of my entire being...and I could not
remember if my eyes were closed or opened (physically) because I clearly
saw that "me" walk out...she even turned around to wave goodbye...but my
body couldn't physically move because I was "asleep." I stared at her as she
walked out...and she even opened the front door to walk out of the apartment...
no noise...I couldn't hear anything...but I vividly remember seeing her leave,
turning back, waving, and smiling...kind of happy to leave.
I dreaded back to sleep and when I woke up, I was foggy. My head was banging and I was dehydrated...I just thought...okay...weird supernatural experience...probably just because I was half asleep half not...maybe some science I don't know yet...
The next few years of my life...I faced the most anxious and depressed versions of myself...My self-doubt and confidence was at an all time LOW and I was internally panicking my way through university for the next few years. I was surrounded my smart and intelligent beings, people who strived for the types of achievement that I had no true desire for...pharmacists, doctors, nurses, vets, financers, programmers, etc. Passing classes without even studying while I was taking unprescribed adderall just to take a chem test I failed thrice. I hated it. University/choosing what to do/worried about grades/papers.etc., I became a person who was "down for anything," anything to soften the unhappiness about how Life was supposed to look like...I eventually got my sh*t together, and birthed a version of me I thought I had wanted...I got my grades up, committed to my degree, and participated in many extracurricular events and met some new friends, got a good university student job, graduated...etc., all seemed well...until my soul walked back in Winter of 2019...
I made it through University, let relationships go, let toxic friendships go, excessive drinking...focused on spending time with myself...and graduated in 2018...I got the job I wanted...and landed a Masters program...amazing...I never thought I would be where I had imagined. I thought back and remembered this one day I was sitting in one of my economics classes, wondering what I had wanted to do with my life, what kind of job I wanted...etc. And I thought...hey...wouldn't it be nice to work for a hospital...but not be in the actual hospital...maybe like an office for a hospital? I don't know...did this even exist..hmm, who knows...so I sent out numerous applications...but at the time I had ZERO idea that the type of job I wanted even existed...and then I got it...I got an internship at a corporate hospital without even an in person interview! (This is what I was hoping for too, to land a job without a full interview, LOL!) I got an internship, hired per diem, then transitioned to full time...wow...what...e.x.a.c.t.l.y. my dream...no interview and the exact salary # I asked the "universe" for ...
I worked in corporate healthcare--one of the largest healthcare systems where I live. Oh I loved the prestige, the honor, the name...the letters people had behind their email signatures...This corp had numerous hospitals within the branch and more onboarding and partnerships. I thought...wow...how did I do this...how am I sitting here today...I was just flunking out of university yesterday...no? I couldn't understand...but regardless...my anxiety and depression heightened even more in this new and demanding environment. I was put in a position without any proper training, put on call for night shifts, and asked to participate in meetings where nothing was being done...and I had no input as I was attempting to learn the language of corporate healthcare simultaneously while juggling classes for my Masters. Attempting to do it all...
I was successful at it all, don't get me wrong...but frustrated and tired...and I couldn't reconcile my frustration with the fact that this job was EXACTLY what I asked for...I was grateful yes...but this frustration was eating away at my soul...I walked into that office dreading everyday more and more...I said the same things day in and day out, saw the same people day in and day out, sat in the same exact place for work and lunch day in and day out, drove the same path to work day in and day out...and I ran towards guys to fill my void and inner emptiness...and a relationship didn't fix that void either...I didn't know what was missing...why could I not make sense of this...I was exhausted, drained, and suppressing all of my unhappiness...all because I was...grateful...?
A lil over a year passed by while I was working and one day--I had my "spiritual awakening..." I felt an energy descending back INTO my body while I was walking into work...I wobbled a bit then began feeling so light on my feet...I spent the day confused in my body...why did I feel so light...why did I have so much control in my body...why were people looking at me differently...was there something on my face...wtf...I felt like I was in a different world--the colors were brighter, more saturated...and I was completely at bliss...I was high on this "lightness"...and that is when things took a turn once again...an inner roller coaster ride of my emotional state and dissecting own psyche...
I could not comprehend what was happening through verbal language so I turned to the online forums and the massive encyclopedia of information...the rabbit hole...where I discovered beings and people I never knew existed...I became obsessed for answers and clarity and enlightenment/spiritual functionalities/shadow work/reiki/tarot/manifestation/LOA...you name it...all of it...the deeper I got...the deeper I realized...no one had the answers...I was drowning...was manifestation real? How did I pull in exactly what I wanted? How did I create it? How can I do it again? I went insane...beserk...complete cognitive and heart dissonance.
There was no explanation...everything you read which I wrote above...my story...it didn't make sense to me...I didn't know if it had actually happened or nothing had actually happened...if I was capable...or because someone just handed all of this to me...all I knew was...I experienced a catalyst who awakened me to my own inner madness...but yet again...I could not escape my inability to reconcile my vastly opposing feelings and thoughts...that never disappeared...it had just shifted into different form...
Was this person a blessing in disguise? Or just a curse? Why did I feel so free...but so broken all at once...why do I feel so whole...but shattered...I couldn't handle the opposition...I couldn't handle not having any clarity and closure...I started feeling like the job I was in was pushing me out, my life was pushing me out...not the other way around...I felt it pushing me and pushing me...(not any person, but the job itself as its own entity) and so one day...I left work a bit early because I was about to hysterically burst into tears...and I felt so close to the edge...the next day, I couldn't anymore...I didn't know anything about nothing, my mind went blank. The only thing I knew was that I was not sitting in that cubicle for one minute longer...it was self induced torture. I quit my job without giving notice...I spent the next weeks nonstop crying...and basically ghosted everyone I knew, ignored texts/calls/briefly responded...I didn't even want to look at my phone. I could not even comprehend what the phone was for, it was useless to me at the time. I didn't want it. I didn't want anything. I just wanted to get the fuck out of this planet. I did not want to eat. Get up. Change. Shower. Clean. Just cry.
I would ask myself to stop crying because I was so exhausted from it all...the pain and frustration I faced...that internal battle was consuming me...it was something I couldn't handle, I went down deep into the rabbit hole and consumed information endlessly, looping myself in cycles of confusion, worry, further torment and masturbating my own painbody...addicted to the pain...forgetting about my own self-care and awareness.
I stopped caring about everyone and everything in search of some clarity, I stopped talking to friends, caring about my wellbeing, and despised the world...and if I forced myself into any responsibility at that time--I couldn't say I would be here today. My mind was shattered, and my heart was torn, I was staring at a bottomless pit...and ran away...meaning I couldn't stand anyone around me and so I spent a summer away in another state to get away from the noise. I went deep into self-reflection, clearing, and trying to hard to surrender to the smoke blocking me from reaching clarity...and I've been so extremely grateful and lucky that I have support from people in my life, who have seen me at my worst, and forgiven me for when I was in my darkness...and I will do the same for them.
As time went on...and I delve into really doing the inner work...inner child healing, coaching, sessions, activations, personal development...poured $$$ into people I resonated with and although was led down many paths of deception and trickery, all played a vital role in helping me discover and cleared so much of my own ego pathologies and deepest held insecurities. I slowly started to fall in love with life and with existence...no...with God...and truly allowed myself to be open to God/Source. I began deconstructing myself, exploring my own psyche (with patience and kindness towards my own self)...and started rewriting my own story from that blank slate that activated within...I delve way into my past to retrieve fragments of myself that I had lost through my years of emotional numbness and constant emptiness, and brought back enough pieces to find my own clarity...and face my own bullshit and ego maniacal behavior that may not have always externally presented itself as such. (It's all an inner journey). I learned how to embrace my own empathic qualities, kindness, and innocence...that may have been stripped away too early for some...to learn how to bring those pieces back to us, where they belong, and show others how to do the same.
That blank slate...is not an external blank slate...and doesn't wipe our external records...but that blank slate...was just my own ego being shattered, all of those voices that told me I wasn't "smart enough" "worthy enough" "pretty enough" "confident enough" "outgoing enough" "valuable enough..." no longer bothered me...I felt internally free from all of those phantom shackles...I laughed at the thought, and felt at ease.
But I was still away from the One who awakened me to all of this within myself...another hole...and so...with this...I understood...we will always be attempting to reconcile some madness...unexplainable phenomena...attempting to discover if God is real or not, if aliens are real or not, if science is right or not...if soul mates twin flames magic really exist...whatever...there are so many things...and so many conversations to be had...experiences to be lived...
that may exhaust us. separate us. and drain us...I let it all go...I let all my beliefs go...good or bad...I let them go...whether I am right...or wrong...I am learning to let it go...to instill and practice more grace and serenity within my entire essence, to understand my own insane ego power plays that kept me from true authenticity and belongingness, it kept me from discovering how to be myself, to feel like myself, and to feel accepted by my own self. It helped me awaken my Mission and purpose here and now, and everyday is a recommitment to my own self and what I need to do.
I discovered the shackles that bind us to our past and draw our fate and destiny closer and closer towards us...I discovered the painful experience of what it feels like to be released from these shackles, to have a taste of the sweet release of death...but still choose life...these shackles...hold us by the ankles...us..wanting to run...but the weight...is too much to carry...I tied and bounded myself to a future I did not want...I was tied to "destiny" and to my "Fate..." which are all predictions of the future...throughout my own intense cycles, I was reminded that the future will forever be unwritten...falsity will tell otherwise...the future is only "predictable" only because we were programmed to be like so, to be fearful of the unknown, to let our minds rule over our hearts...because the "heart is untrustworthy...unpredictable..." but isn't love...what we live for?...we live because we wish to experience miracles, to experience livelihood, connection, abundance, joy, prosperity...Love...but the mind cannot experience such vastness and depth...for only the Heart knows how ~ de-program...unlearn...unshackle...
I accepted...that regardless of what I do...what "success" I had...or how I got it...how well I do something...how deeply grateful I am for it...it did not make a difference...My unhappiness still seeped in and haunted me...it merely shifted forms throughout the years, but still remained until I CHOSE to do the INNER WORK to alchemize it.
All the chaos and madness that roams the earth...is because the collective hive MIND (EGOS), are power playing...this is why so many people want others to shut off their hearts and listen to their minds...the game is addicting and intoxicating. But it's false and phantom...it's metatronic and robotic...it kills off the living light and essence that BRINGS the frequency of home...TOWARDS us...listen to your Heart~your heart knows how to hear the whispers of your soul ~ (may just need a little tune-up) and the journey may not make sense at times ~ but trust that it will once you walk through it all, and you will discover inner co-creation abilities with true Source and Flow ~ you've done it before ~ you can do it again ~